Well, not intentionally anyway. I was so excited when I first signed the contract. I was more excited when I could see the hard work was going to pay off and publication was going to happen sooner rather than later.
With love and support from my Crit group, I got through the editing process, which at the time I found very painful. But looking back it was empowering. My editor was wonderful, encouraging, she believed in me. My crit group believed in me. My publishing company believed in me, they promoted my book, blog tours, you name it, and they did it. Everyone believed in me.
I’m not telling this story for sympathy, or for pats on the back, I’m telling it to help me get over this crippling sense of my not being enough. I know in my heart, I am enough as I am. Yet, I choose fear to stop me moving forward. I choose old negative tapes of people telling me, What, You write, really, in disbelieving tones and sometimes sniggering. I use these old negative tapes to stop me moving forward. Paradigms so deeply engrained I believe they’re the rules of how I should live my life. And I wonder why sometimes I could scream. Am I nuts? I know I’m not.
What I find so upsetting about this whole episode is I believe, Never Surrender, is a good book. I wrote it for me, I wrote about cops and car chases and kids in jeopardy. I wrote it about good overcoming evil. I wrote it about, people who love each other even though they’re looking at the world through different eyes. I wanted everyone to read my book. But, I was so overcome by fear, of what others would say, I didn’t personally promote it. I didn’t shout from rooftops, I didn’t tell everyone I met that I’m a writer, and my first book is out.
I had friends say, “Are you having a book launch?” NO. “You can do it on Facebook, It’s easy.” NO. “You should do some blogs” No. What’s really annoying, inside, I’m screaming, yes, yes, yes.
Fear eats my courage.
Through the week, I received an email from someone I hold very close to my heart. She introduced me to, Author Rachel Thompson’s BadRedheadMedia and her article "This is Why Your Books Aren’t Selling: 4 Ways to Improve Now."
I was so impressed. She talked about self-promotion, with love and gusto, and no shame. She talked about social media and I didn’t shut off my computer. She literally, blew my mind.
So, this is my intention. Every second and fourth Saturday’s of March and April, I’m going to write something on my Rosie’s blog of crazy thoughts and dreams via my website www.rosiemileswriter.com . There I’m going to share, what I am doing to help myself become a writer of strength and integrity; of someone who feels the fear and does it anyway.
My aim is to work toward believing in what I can do, rather than what I can’t. And hopefully, help others overcome their fears at the same time.
The final outcome, on Never Surrender’s 6 month anniversary, I’m going to have a re book launch.
So, stay tuned, as I will blog in the near future with full details of the relaunch.
As someone commented about me, she believed she could, so she did.